The Shocking Ways Narcissists Manipulate their Partners
Few experiences are as baffling and distressing as being in a relationship with a narcissist. In its broadest sense, narcissism is characterised by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a deep-seated need for admiration. While we all can display narcissistic traits occasionally, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a more severe and enduring condition, often leading to significant distress for those close to the individual.
One particular client, whom we'll call Sarah, found herself in a whirlwind romance that seemed almost too good to be true. Her partner was charming, attentive, and seemingly smitten with her. However, as time passed, the relationship began to take a toll on Sarah's mental health, leading her to question her worth and sanity. Only when she understood narcissists' manipulative tactics could she make sense of her experiences and seek help.
In this article, I aim to illuminate the common manipulation tactics that narcissists often employ in romantic relationships. My hope is that, armed with this knowledge, individuals like Sarah can identify these unhealthy patterns and make empowered decisions about their relationships.
Love-bombing and idealisation
When Sarah first met her partner, she was swept off her feet by his charisma and the attention he showered on her. He was everything she had ever dreamed of - attentive, affectionate, and seemingly head over heels in love with her. This is a common tactic known as "love-bombing", a period of idealisation where the narcissist will go to great lengths to win over their target. They might shower their partner with compliments, gifts, and affection, creating a whirlwind romance that feels almost too good to be true.
In my professional experience, love-bombing serves a dual purpose. First, it helps the narcissist secure their partner's admiration and affection, making them feel unique and cherished. Second, it creates a sense of dependency, making it harder for the partner to leave once the relationship becomes more tumultuous.
Reflecting on her relationship, Sarah recalled how she was initially flattered by her partner's attentiveness. She felt cherished and loved, making recognising the subsequent manipulation and control harder. Understanding this tactic was a pivotal moment for Sarah, as it helped her realise that her relationship was not as idyllic as she initially believed. Instead, she was caught in a cycle of manipulation that started with the intoxicating stage of love-bombing and idealisation.
Gaslighting
As Sarah's relationship progressed, she began noticing something unsettling. Whenever she tried to address issues or express her feelings, her partner would often deny or twist the facts, making her question her memory and perceptions. This is known as gaslighting, a common manipulation tactic narcissists use to sow doubt in their partners' minds.
Gaslighting can take many forms, from outright denial of facts to subtle attempts at changing the narrative. For example, a narcissist might deny saying something hurtful, insist that an event didn't occur the way their partner remembers, or accuse them of being overly sensitive or irrational. Over time, this can erode an individual's self-esteem and trust in their judgment.
In one instance, Sarah remembered clearly that her partner had made a hurtful comment about her appearance. However, he flatly denied it when she confronted him, accusing her of making things up to start a fight. This left Sarah feeling confused and questioning her memory.
Gaslighting can be a very disorienting experience, often leaving the person on the receiving end feeling like they're losing their grip on reality. It's a powerful way for a narcissist to maintain control, as it keeps their partner off balance and more likely to question their instincts rather than the narcissist's behaviour.
Emotional blackmail
Emotional blackmail is another common tactic used by narcissists to manipulate their partners. They may use guilt, fear, or obligation to coerce their partners into complying with their wishes. This could range from subtle manipulation to overt threats.
In Sarah's case, whenever she tried to assert her boundaries or express dissatisfaction, her partner often responded with statements like "After all I've done for you, this is how you repay me?" or "If you loved me, you wouldn't do this." This left Sarah feeling guilty and obliged to comply with her partner's wishes, even when it was detrimental to her well-being.
Emotional blackmail can take a severe toll on a person's mental health. It can lead to feelings of guilt, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It's a tactic that thrives on the insecurities and fears of the person on the receiving end, making it a particularly insidious form of manipulation.
It's important to remember that in a healthy relationship, partners respect each other's boundaries and feelings. They don't resort to guilt trips or threats to get their way. Recognising emotional blackmail for what it is can be a significant step in reclaiming one's autonomy and self-esteem in a relationship with a narcissist.
Triangulation
Triangulation is a manipulative tactic where a narcissist brings a third person into the dynamic to create insecurity, competition, or even to validate their perspective. They might flirt with someone else in front of their partner, compare their partner unfavourably to an ex, or use another person's opinion to discredit their partner's feelings or thoughts.
In Sarah's relationship, her partner frequently compared her to his ex-girlfriend, often highlighting how she fell short in these comparisons. He would bring up his ex in their conversations, praising her for qualities he claimed Sarah lacked. Over time, this made Sarah feel insecure and inadequate, constantly feeling like she had to compete with a phantom.
Another instance of triangulation occurred when Sarah's partner used his friends' opinions to dismiss Sarah's feelings. If Sarah expressed dissatisfaction or concern about something, he would retort with statements like, "Well, my friends think you're overreacting," or "Everyone else seems to agree with me." This served to invalidate Sarah's feelings while reinforcing his perspective.
Triangulation can be damaging as it creates a sense of insecurity and fuels unhealthy competition. It's a way for the narcissist to maintain control and keep their partner striving for approval. Recognising this tactic can help individuals understand that they are being manipulated and that their feelings and perspectives are valid, regardless of the narcissist's attempts to discredit them.
The silent treatment
The silent treatment, a form of emotional withdrawal, is another typical strategy in the narcissist's playbook. By withholding communication or affection, the narcissist aims to punish their partner for perceived slights or to enforce compliance with their wishes. The emotional impact of the silent treatment can be substantial, often leading to feelings of anxiety, confusion, and desperation.
On several occasions, Sarah found herself on the receiving end of the silent treatment. For instance, if she disagreed with her partner or failed to meet his expectations in some way, he would shut down and ignore her for hours, sometimes even days. During these periods, Sarah would feel a constant knot in her stomach, not knowing what she had done wrong or how to fix it.
The silent treatment can be excruciating because it exploits our basic human need for connection and communication. It's designed to make the person on the receiving end feel invisible, unworthy, and desperate to reconcile.
Recognising this tactic for what it is - a form of emotional manipulation - is the first step in breaking its power. Understanding that everyone has a right to express their feelings and opinions in a relationship without fear of being ignored or dismissed is crucial.
Devaluation and discard
Once the idealisation phase fades, narcissists often enter the devaluation stage. This is where they begin to belittle, criticise, or outright ignore their partners, gradually chipping away at their self-worth. After devaluation, the discard phase may ensue, where the narcissist abruptly ends the relationship or withdraws their affection, leaving their partner devastated and confused.
For Sarah, this was a harrowing phase. She noticed her partner becoming increasingly critical and distant. He began to dismiss her accomplishments, belittle her interests, and even insult her appearance. This stark contrast from the adoring and attentive partner she initially fell in love with left her feeling worthless and rejected.
Eventually, her partner broke up with her abruptly, with little explanation or regard for her feelings. This sudden discard left Sarah reeling, questioning what she had done wrong and blaming herself for the relationship's end.
Understanding the idealisation, devaluation, and discard cycle is crucial in recognising narcissistic manipulation. It's essential to remember that these stages reflect the narcissist's insecurities and need for control, not the worth or value of their partner. Healing from such a relationship often involves unlearning the negative self-image imposed by the narcissist and rediscovering one's inherent worth and value.
Projection and blame-shifting
Projection is a defence mechanism commonly used by narcissists to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. They deflect their shortcomings, mistakes, or undesirable feelings onto their partner. This can manifest as blaming their partner for their failures, attributing their feelings of jealousy or insecurity to their partner, or accusing their partner of the very behaviours they are guilty of.
Blame-shifting is another strategy narcissists use to evade personal responsibility. Instead of acknowledging and apologising for their mistakes, they will find a way to shift the blame onto their partner.
Sarah experienced this repeatedly in her relationship. Whenever her partner behaved poorly, he would turn it around and make it seem her fault. For instance, if he got angry and lashed out at her, he would later accuse her of provoking him, effectively shifting the blame onto her.
This constant projection and blame-shifting took a toll on Sarah's sense of self. She started believing she was the cause of all their problems and felt tremendous guilt and shame.
Understanding these tactics can help victims of narcissistic abuse realise that they are not at fault. A narcissist's refusal to take responsibility for their actions reflects their inability to deal with their shortcomings, not a reflection of their partner's worth or behaviour.
Hoovering
The term "hoovering" comes from the brand name vacuum, Hoover. It describes the narcissist's attempts to reel their partners back into the relationship after separation or conflict. This could involve promises to change, expressions of love and affection, or playing on their partner's feelings of guilt or sympathy.
Sarah's partner often employed this tactic after their fights or breakups. He would apologise profusely, shower her with affection, and promise to change his ways. He sometimes even played the victim, claiming he was lost without her or couldn't cope with his issues alone. These tactics would often pull Sarah back into the relationship, hoping things would be different this time.
However, in most cases, these changes are temporary, and the manipulative behaviour eventually resurfaces. This cycle can be emotionally exhausting, creating a roller-coaster of highs and lows that can leave the individual confused and emotionally drained.
Recognising the hoovering technique can help individuals resist the pull to get back into the cycle of abuse. It's important to remember that real change takes time and consistent effort, and it's not your responsibility to fix or save your partner.
Isolation from friends and family
Narcissists often attempt to isolate their partners from their support networks, including friends and family. This can be a subtle, gradual process where the narcissist makes their partner feel guilty for spending time with others or sows seeds of doubt about the intentions of their loved ones.
Sarah became increasingly distanced from her friends and family as her relationship progressed. Her partner often made snide remarks about her friends or became sulky and withdrawn when she spent time with them. Over time, Sarah started avoiding these interactions to prevent conflict, making her feel increasingly alone and dependent on her partner.
Isolation is a powerful tool in the narcissist's manipulation arsenal because it makes their partner more dependent on them and less likely to seek outside perspectives that could challenge the narcissist's narrative. Maintaining your relationships and support networks when dealing with a narcissistic partner is crucial. These connections can provide much-needed perspective, emotional support, and a lifeline when things get tough.
Suppose you notice that your relationship is causing you to become distanced from your loved ones. In that case, it's worth taking a step back and evaluating why that might happen. Remember, a healthy relationship should enrich your life and not cut you off from important connections.
Threats and intimidation
In some cases, narcissists may resort to threats and intimidation to maintain control over their partners. This could involve threats of harm to themselves, their partner, or even loved ones. They might also use intimidation tactics such as shouting, towering over their partner, or aggressive body language to create fear.
Sarah experienced this darker side of her partner towards the end of their relationship. When she tried to assert her boundaries or expressed a desire to leave, he would react with threats of self-harm or allude to harming her. This left her in constant fear and anxiety, feeling trapped and helpless.
Threats and intimidation are serious red flags in any relationship, indicating high toxicity and potential danger. If you find yourself in such a situation, it's crucial to prioritise your safety. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or local domestic violence organisations for support and assistance.
Recognising these tactics can be the first step towards reclaiming your autonomy and breaking free from the cycle of abuse. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship built on respect, kindness, and mutual understanding. You are not alone, and help is available.
The following section will discuss what you can do if you are in a relationship with a narcissist and how you can begin healing and recovery.
Navigating a relationship with a narcissist: Steps towards healing and recovery
Realising that you're in a relationship with a narcissist can be a painful and confusing experience. However, recognising the problem is the first step towards recovery. Here are some strategies that can help:
Seek professional help: Therapists and counsellors specialising in narcissistic abuse can provide valuable insight and guidance. They can help you navigate your feelings, rebuild your self-esteem, and develop strategies for dealing with the narcissist.
Establish boundaries: Setting firm boundaries is crucial when dealing with a narcissist. This could involve limiting contact, deciding what behaviour you will not tolerate, and standing firm in your decisions.
Maintain a support network: Staying connected with friends and family can provide emotional support and an external perspective when dealing with a narcissistic partner. It's important to remember that you're not alone, and some people care about you and want to help.
Self-Care: Taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental health is vital. This could involve regular exercise, a healthy diet, mindfulness practices, or engaging in activities that you enjoy and that nurture your spirit.
Safety plan: If the narcissist's behaviour escalates to threats or physical harm, it's crucial to prioritise your safety. This might involve contacting local authorities, seeking a restraining order, or relocating to a safe place.
Remember, healing from narcissistic abuse takes time, and seeking help and taking care of yourself during this process is okay. You deserve respect, love, and a relationship that brings you joy and fulfilment.
If Sarah's story resonates with you or you recognise these behaviours in your relationship, know you're not alone. Help is available, and it's possible to break free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse. Don't hesitate to contact a mental health professional who can provide the tools and support you need to reclaim your life.
Conclusion: You're Not Alone
It's normal to have mixed feelings when dealing with a person who has narcissistic tendencies. If you're reading this article and recognising the behaviours described in your partner, or perhaps in someone you care about, know that it's okay to feel confused, scared, or uncertain. But also understand that the behaviours described do not indicate a healthy or respectful relationship.
In Sarah's case, recognising these behaviours and understanding that they were forms of manipulation was the first step in her journey towards healing. With the help of therapy and the support of her friends and family, she was able to leave her abusive relationship and start rebuilding her life. She learned to prioritise her needs, establish boundaries, and seek out respectful and nurturing relationships.
It's important to remember that you're not alone. Like Sarah, you have the strength and resilience to overcome this difficult situation. There are resources and support systems available to help you navigate this journey. Reach out to professionals, lean on your support network, and remember to take care of yourself. Healing is possible, and you deserve a relationship that respects and values you for who you are.
Remember, it's okay to ask for help, and it's okay to prioritise your well-being. You are worth it. The first step is recognising the situation for what it is. The next is reaching out, seeking support, and beginning the journey towards a life free from manipulation and control.